Get Bless Your Heart, Tramp: And Other Southern Endearments PDF

By Celia Rivenbark

From the wickedly hilarious pen of Southern stand-up comedian Celia Rivenbark comes a suite of essays that brings to brain Dave Barry (in excessive heels) or Jeff Foxworthy (in a promenade dress).

Step into the wacky international of "womanless wedding" fund-raisers, during which Bubbas put on boas. Meet sisters who struggle rural boredom through washing Budweiser cans and slicing them into items to make garments. examine why the be aware snow sends any right-thinking Southerner careening to the foodstuff Lion for added loaves of bread and little else.

Humor columnist and a little crazed belle-by-birth Celia Rivenbark tackles those and different lard-laden topics in Bless Your center, Tramp, a hilarious examine Southern---and simply simple human---foibles, up-close and private.
So pour your self a pitcher of candy tea and curl up at the pie-azza with Bless Your center, Tramp.

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Additional info for Bless Your Heart, Tramp: And Other Southern Endearments

Sample text

In the past, Dan’s teasing had never bothered Marvin. But since my death he wasn’t the same. All the stuffing had been knocked out of him. And, just like a roast chook, the stuffing inside Marvin was the best part. Something had to be done. I waited patiently for the right time and place. This came one chilly autumn night ten weeks after I’d died, when Marvin climbed into my empty cage and sat staring at an old photo of me that he’d hung on the wall. ’ he said to the empty cage. ‘I should be over your death by now but every time I think about going back into the ring, I dry up inside.

I was so upset that I couldn’t do anything right. I twirled the wrong way. I lost my balance when I went up on two legs. As for my famous blindfolded hop, it was more like a blindfolded trip-and-fall-flat-on-my-backside. I couldn’t wait to get back to my cage. I stayed awake all that night, thinking about what Dan had said. Some time in the wee hours of the morning, I took a solemn oath. I vowed to do whatever I had to do, including give up my life, to protect my best friend Marvin from Dancing Dan.

I knelt down to allow him to get off me, then waited. Marvin stood staring out through the halfdarkness at the rows and rows of empty seats. ‘You want me to perform again,’ he said finally. ’ I waited longer. Outside the tent, the wind sounded like the faint echo of cheers. ‘I probably could perform again,’ Marvin admitted. ‘Now that I know you’re here. ’ I flapped my ears. ‘Every time? ’ I flapped my ears and raised my trunk. ‘All right, I’ll do it,’ Marvin said. ‘It’ll be just like before. ’ He turned once more to face the empty stands.

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